Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
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I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
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It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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