I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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