I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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