If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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