turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Randomize
