my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
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Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
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My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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