So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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