I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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