surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
