On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
