gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
