I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
