i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
