you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
