my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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