I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
