Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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