my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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