god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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