Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
