alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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