He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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