I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
