Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
