but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
