Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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