What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
