literally had 100 drinks last night.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
