Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
