im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Why did my mother make you get naked?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
