There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
