tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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