You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
