Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
