Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
