Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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