just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
