i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
