this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
