i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
