Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
