when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
