Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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