I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
