You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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