oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
