I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
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debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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