I think I died a long time ago.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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