I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
