I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
