the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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