WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
