dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
