If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
