FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
i need some magic done to my vagina
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
