Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
